Day 30: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

Fear is a funny thing. We can deny we have it, disguise it as other things (like anger and pride), and claim to be courageous despite the gnawing in our stomachs, but the bottom line is that we’re all afraid of something. Usually lots of things.

However, on this particular morning, I couldn’t think of anything that I was specifically afraid of. So, as usual, I threw it out to the universe. And – also as usual – my Higher Power, who has an incredibly twisted sense of humor, smacked me right upside my head with situation that never fails to evoke raw fear in my gut: a technology issue.

Let me start by saying that I am a writer, editor and proofreader by trade. My undergraduate degree is in Communications with a minor in Psychology. Nowhere in my educational or professional history is there even a hint of any knowledge of computer science. None. Zip. Nada. And yet many consider me to be “computer literate.” This is akin to claiming to be fluent in Italian because you can make spaghetti sauce.

Over the years since I started freelancing, evolving technology has changed the delivery method – though not the nuts and bolts – of my job from fax and FedEx to attachments and zip files. Thanks to lots of expertise and encouragement from my husband (who DOES have a degree in computer science), I have been able to keep up with the changing demands of the high-tech environment. But there are times when the technology just doesn’t work and there are times when I have to fly solo. And sometimes those times collide. The result is never pretty.

The result is fear.

If you’ve ever seen a dog expend endless, pointless effort chasing its tail, you have a fairly good idea of what I look like trying to solve an unsolvable computer problem. Let’s visit my mind-chatter room for a moment: “Every time I input comments on this file, my program shuts down.” “There’s probably something wrong with the file.” “But maybe if I break it into several smaller files, that won’t happen.” “It’s happening again. You’ve now spent an hour trying to do a page worth of work.” “Maybe if I rename the file, it will work.” “That isn’t working either, and you’ve just skipped your workout and your lunch.” “If I don’t figure this out, I’m going to look like an idiot. … I’ll miss the deadline. … My client will hate me. … There will probably be a billboard placed on I-95 saying ‘Joni Aveni is computer illiterate. She’s a fraud. Don’t do business with her.’ … I will lose my business, my house, my car, my kids, my husband, I will live out of a cardboard box and die a lonely, broken woman.”

Or … I could just admit that I don’t have the answer. Ask for help in figuring out the problem. Maybe offer one or two suggestions, including the old reliable fax and FedEx options. Have faith that this will all work itself out without any dire consequences.

Ah, faith.

It’s said that fear and faith can’t live in the same house, but I get the distinct impression that they are both under my roof, barricaded in separate bedrooms, vying for my attention at any given time. The choice I need to make every day (every hour, every minute) is: Which door am I going to open?

So after having jiggled the doorknob of the fear room long enough, I turned my back on it and walked through the faith door instead. I said I didn’t know, couldn’t figure it out, was throwing in the towel, but here are a few workarounds I came up with. Within minutes, one of the workarounds was accepted and I was back in business. No billboards. No cardboard box. Just another opportunity to conquer fear with faith. I’m pretty sure there will be plenty more.