Day 31: Forgive Someone

They say that harboring a resentment is like taking poison and hoping someone else dies. You’re the only one you are hurting. In fact, the other guy probably doesn’t even know you are angry with him.

But how do you get rid of a resentment? One way, they say (and who the hell are ‘they’ anyway?), is forgiveness.

When I first pondered this challenge, my initial thought was that I had no one to forgive. I patted myself on the back for a moment, thinking that I was free of resentments. All was right with the universe. I had cleaned up my side of the street and was free to … oh, wait. There’s him. He is complicating my life right now, making the logistics of an already-stressful holiday season even more so. Therefore, he deserves my anger. Doesn’t he?

The acidic taste in my mouth reminded me that I was still ingesting poison. Methinks I have a bit of forgiving to do. But how does one go about the process of forgiving … really forgiving? For that, I went to my therapist, Dr. Google.

From my search, I determined that forgiveness always take five steps. They’re not always the same five steps, but every site I visited listed five. So that must be the magic number!

According to eHow, one should:
1. See the positives.
2. Express yourself.
3. Let them explain.
4. Let your pride go.
5. Understand that everyone makes mistakes.

Yahoo suggested these five steps:
1. Acknowledgement.
2. Be the bigger person.
3. Be patient.
4. Forgive yourself.
5. Set limits.

And finally, about.com laid out these ground rules for forgiveness:
1. Express yourself.
2. Look for the positive.
3. Cultivate empathy.
4. Protect yourself and move on.
5. Get help if you need it.

I saw right away that no one list was going to fit this situation exactly. eHow wanted me to actually dialogue with the person, which in this case was not only inadvisable but pointless. Yahoo’s step 4 suggested that I needed to forgive myself; however, I hadn’t actually done or said anything requiring that. Yet. And about.com seemed to imply that the situation was dire enough to require both protection and professional help, which it does not. So I created an amalgamated list, which went something like this:

1. See the positives: We were going to all be together for Thanksgiving for the first time in years.
2. Cultivate empathy: The person in question is old, crotchety and selfish but in the past has been supportive and caring in his own way. I can understand the limitations he has and try to be more willing to accommodate them.
3. Be the bigger person: The steps we need to take are inconvenient and more than a little annoying, but we are able to do them in the name of being together, and that is more important.
4. Set limits: We’ll make concessions this time, but not every time.

And then I added a fifth step, one that was not on any of the websites I visited, but one that I’ve heard works wonders:

5. Pray for the person you’re angry with. Not that he changes or sees the light or admits that you are right and he is wrong. But that he has happiness, abundance and love. And after all, isn’t that what the holidays should be all about?